Happiness/Bewilderment/Sadness/Relief/Anger/Fear

03-21-11

I am in a state of emotional turmoil today. I have been bouncing around like a ping-pong ball between happiness/bewilderment/sadness/relief/anger/fear.

You might be asking, “Alex, how is this different from any other Monday afternoon?”

I might reply, “Hmmm… Well _____ (insert your name here), though it may seem quite normal in the grand scheme of the ‘Great Alex Kimmell Freak Show’, this particular Monday I actually have some concrete reasoning to be experiencing said specific emotions. I will list them for you forth with!

1. Happiness:
My youngest son Gabriel turned nine years old yesterday. NINE YEARS OLD! Already? Wow! (I shake my head in complete and utter disbelief.) He is an amazing kid with the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met in my life. He protects his big brother Jonah with no regard for himself. For example, a group of older kids started to pick on Jonah one day in the park because he wasn’t responding to them when they asked him to do something. Gabriel walks up to the biggest one out of the group, more than a full head taller than he is, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Hey! That’s my brother! Be nice to him or you have to deal with me!” Before I could even get involved they were all playing together having a great time.
He even looks after me. On bad days when I am having trouble getting around or am especially dizzy, Gabe sits down next to me on the couch and rubs my arm. He’ll even get behind the couch and start rubbing my neck and shoulders to make me feel better. I have never asked him to do this. He has what is called a “Servant’s Heart”. He is a wonderful kid who is growing into a fantastic young man. I could not be more proud of him even if I had the capability to be more proud.

2. Bewilderment:
Please review response #1 & How can my boys be so big already?

3. Sadness:
Time just moves to damn fast! How can my boys be so big already?

4. Relief:
I just finished a very important and challenging project that meant a lot to me. It came out well, I am happy with the results and pleased to be getting back to other things. But I find myself missing the panic and adrenaline of it. There is a strange void now I have to fill with other activities that have been pushed to the wayside for a few weeks. So I’ll be getting back to more writing and hopefully be able to put some more music out in the near future. We’ll have to see how the hands deem it worthy to cooperate!

5. Anger:
It has come to my attention that in its infinite wisdom, the Los Angeles Unified School District has decided to cut and possibly remove the entire budget for the Hamilton High School Academy of Music and Humanities Magnet programs. Why do I care? Well first of all Hami is my Alma Mater. I was a proud member of the Music Academy’s first graduating class all the way back in 1988.
In my short time spent attending that school I learned more about music than all of the years of my life that preceded it. Other students of that school have gone on to fantastic accomplishments in life. Many have won Grammys, Oscars, Emmys, as well as producing and performing on Multi Platinum albums. Some of us may have grown up to achieve these types of successes, but somehow it seems doubtful to me.
Other classmates have gone on to wonderful accomplishments in other fields as well, but those that I am still in touch with look back at Hamilton with the same sense of admiration and gratefulness as I do. That school and the environment it provided to us, played such an incalculably important role in our lives that none of us would be who we have become without it. I am sure that in the future we will find the current students there will all feel the same way too.
Isn’t it time that we hold our politicians accountable for actually taking care of our students instead of making hollow promises? Every single politician tells us that they will protect our children’s future and make the schools better. Why is it then that the first things to be attacked when budgetary issues arrive are the schools?
The oil companies don’t ever have to raise money by selling candy bars and chocolates. Our military has a larger budget than the rest of the first world’s military budgets combined. Soldiers don’t have to share guns. Oil magnates never have to share their desks or worry that their computers are so out of date that they can’t even get on-line.
Why do we as a country accept this treatment of our children? Why is education so marginalized? Why is intellect so vilified and demonized? The arts are bad. Science is bad. Reading is for nerds and that’s bad. And then politicians can’t understand why our school test scores are raking lower and lower throughout the world every year.
I just figured it out. Their parent’s were able to afford to send them to private school. Public schools are for us downtrodden and poor sheep that just do the dirty work. Our kids don’t need an education. If they get one, they just might learn something and be smart enough to catch them when they lie and cheat us out of everything this country and it's freedoms are supposed to help us achieve.
So yeah, I’m a little angry today too.

6. Fear:
You might remember me posting a while back about a new medication I might start taking for my M.S. that has some pretty scary side effects. Well, I go in for my first infusion tomorrow morning. While it is very doubtful that I’ll actually get the scary side effect that could in fact kill me, I am scared shitless. I got all the bad side effects from all the other drugs they gave me, so why wouldn’t I get this one too?
Unfortunately there just aint that many treatments for what I got. And going with no treatment at all has been close to downright unbearable. So after many hours of late night conversations about it and second opinions from new Neurologists, we’ve decided to go ahead and take the next step forward.
I am most likely being very melodramatic about all of this, but if you are reading this blog you know me already. That’s just how I roll!

(Cue the dramatic entrance of Samuel Barber’s “Adagio for Strings” here. The author stands center stage lights down. A sole spotlight slowly grows to full brightness directly in front of him. He steps forward into the bright circle illuminated on the floor and stands straight-backed head held high. He takes the fedora from his head with his left hand and whips it bravely behind his back. His right hand lifts up in front of his chest, cape dramatically falling over his forearm down to the floor. Slowly his eyes move across the audience. His eyes linger on every person for a short moment giving each pair of eyes his acknowledgement. He takes in a loud breath of air through his nostrils and with a resounding deep voice emanating from the soles of his boots to the shine atop his baldhead he finally speaks…

“No tears for me! I will be… okay. Though I swim forward into unknown waters, I will not be alone. The trembling of these frail limbs shall not be a hindrance to my procession. I may not be able to squeeze these fingers, but I will hold fast to the knowledge that you are… each and every single one of you… with me.

When fear crashes down in waves, YOU are my umbrella!

When darkness clouds my sight so I cannot see, YOU are my flame!

When hunger scrapes the crumbs from the walls inside of my belly, YOU are my sandwich!”

In other words I just have to get over myself and take my medicine like a big boy. In all seriousness I am afraid of starting this new treatment process. It’s some scary shit. But the risk of side effects is outweighed by the probability this stuff will actually help me tremendously. Most every one I have spoken with that is on this program cannot say enough good things about it.
So cross your fingers for us! Hopefully the next time I write on this blog I’ll have a few less things to bitch and moan about!

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