an unexpected visitor

An Oriole flew in my living room yesterday. I was in the bedroom cleaning up a dog “accident” when I heard a strange thupping sound. At first I thought it was my bed bumping against the wall when I walked across the room. Then it happened again while I was standing still. Thup. Thupthupthup. Thupthupthupthupthupthup.

I flushed the paper wrapped “accident” down the toilet and turned on the hot water to wash my hands. I had to open a few windows to air everything out of course, so there was a nice warm breeze massaging across the back of my neck. I realized later that there was no smell from the soap when I dried my hands on the towel hanging from the shower curtain rod. Thupthupthup. Thupthupthupthupthup. Thup.

I couldn’t tell where the sound was coming from. It was circling all around my head in an unfamiliar stereo pattern. Maybe it was the tile and porcelain bouncing the echo from place to place. Thupthup. Thupthupthupthup. Thupthup. I looked deep into the brown eyes staring back at me from the mirror and tried to figure out what it was. My left pupil, solid black and perfectly circular held still and motionless. My right refused to hold still long enough for me to get a fix on shape or focus. My lower eyelid bounced up and down uncontrollably manipulated by some unseen puppeteers string. Thupthupthup. Thup. Thupthupthupthupthup.

The mirror fogged briefly from the quick out rush of air I expelled from my lungs. My hands felt good from being washed, skin fresh and clean. Thupthupthupthup. Thupthup. Thup. BAM! I quick stepped out of the bathroom and jumped over the dog. Her ears were perked up high but she whimpered behind me for protection. Thupthup BAM! Thup. Thupthupthup. I looked around and still couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Thup. Thupthupthupthupthupthupthup.

Brown and orange blurred inches from my face. My heart twinged and I ducked down raising my arms in an instinctive pose of self-preservation. Thupthupthup. Thupthup BAM! The bird hit the wall above my living room window and settled down nervously on the curtain rod. His small brown head swiftly looking back and forth trapped and afraid inside this strange box. His small yellow beak opened and closed a few times making no sound. Thupthup. Thupthupthupthup. He flapped his wings a few times but didn’t rise from his perch. Thup.

I must have looked as strange to him as he did to me inside the house. Every morning I talked with this little guy in our front yard. He likes to perch in the dogwood tree a few yards off the porch. I make the kids school snacks, turn on the coffee pot and step out front to get a little bit of air and check the weather. He jumps down from his branch high towards the top and settles in the middle of the grass between the house and the tree. He puffs up his dark orange chest and gives a quick whistle looking right at me. I smile, pucker my lips and whistle right back to him.

His orange breast swells out in a show of strength to show me how brave he is hopping once or twice closer to me and whistles again. This time when I whistle back he cocks his head and hops back three little jumps. I change my whistle to make it higher and louder. His wings flap and I swear if his beak could, he would be smiling at me. By now other birds on the street are chiming in and my little friend takes to the sky looking to protect his territory or find his girlfriend. I go back inside and help the kids get ready for the bus and start our collective day.

Thup. Thupthupthup. The brown and orange blur came straight at me again. I ducked and ran to the window. Quickly I pulled the blinds and pushed up the glass. The screen was still down. Thupthupthup. Thupthupthupthup BAM! Oriole hit the wall above the window on the other side of the room. I fumbled with the storm window locks trying to open the screen so he can find his way out. Thup. Tupthupthup. Thupthup.

He flew across the room again just as I finally got the screen open. I lifted it as high as it would go and made sure it locked in place. Thup. Thupthupthup BAM! He flew into the top of the window this time. He had the right idea but the wrong place. Tupthupthupthup. Thupthup. I raced him across the room to get to the window on the other side. He perched himself atop the curtain rod until I raised the blinds. Thupthupthupthupthupthup. I guess it scared him and he took off again flying in circles around the long room.

I opened the window as fast as my trembling hands would let me. Thup. Thupthupthupthup. Thupthup. The screen locks were jammed. Of course they were! I dug my fingers in as hard as I could and pushed. Thupthupthup BAM! Thupthupthupthup. The tips of my index fingers burned. I could feel the breeze flowing soft between the two open windows on either side of the room. I know Oriole could smell the grass and morning rain too. His circling picked up speed and intensity. Thupthupthupthupthup. Thupthupthup. Thup. Thupthupthupthupthupthup. BAM! The lock on the left side gave a little. I squeezed my hands much tighter than I thought I could these days. I felt every vein in my neck pushing into the inside of my skin. Thupthupthupthup BAM! He hit the window just above the open screen on the other side of the room this time. He was narrowing in on his escape. Thupthup. Thupthupthupthup. Thup.

The screen in my hands lifted. Oriole swooped down from the light fixture in the center of the room wings spread wide gliding through the window into the wide open. Breath heaved from my chest. I was sweating all over. Adrenaline pumped through my teeth. My hands were more numb than usual. But he got out! I watched him land on the grass. Wings flapped and he looked around. Bright yellow beak opened wide allowing his graceful melody to float up to the sky.

I walked around everywhere I could trying to find how he came to be in the house. All of the windows upstairs were closed. The chimney was closed. Other than the two windows in the living room that I opened for him, everything was shut on the first floor as well. There really was no place that I could find that would have let him in. Have to keep looking.

Beautiful bird. Always around to say good morning to me. Definitely welcome in the house as long as he uses the bathroom. Just have to teach him to stop hitting the walls and use the open window instead. I look forward to our next morning conversation. It’ll be interesting to see what he has to say.

/>

well adjusted joyful disaster

everything happens to me by twodoggarage


I don’t want to be sick anymore. I don’t want to be depressed anymore. My doctor prescribed me some new medication and guess what…yup. It made me even more sick yet again. I mean what the fuck!?!? I am so tired of doctors I could just spit.

There. I did. Right here on the floor next to my desk. Yes it’s gross. But lately, so am I.

I got some feedback on my last blog post telling me how depressing it was. Telling me how sad it made people. Telling me how I should be more cheerful and “up”. Okay…waiting for some suggestions as to how to make that happen.

Still waitng...

Anyone?

I do want to feel better. I really do. I do want to have a more positive outlook on the world. I really do. I go to therapy once a week to work on things. When I leave my appointments all I get is how amazed my therapist is about how “well adjusted” I am considering all of this shit going on in my life. How ironic is that? Me. “Well adjusted”?

I sometimes wish I hadn’t spent all those years educating myself and reading every book I could absorb about philosophy and art and poetry and being “well adjusted”. Maybe the unexamined life is indeed worth living. At least then I could be upset and frustrated and pissed off without knowing why. Somehow I doubt that would really make things better though.

I started taking this new medicine a few days ago and it instantly felt like there were a thousand razor sharp daggers trying to slice their way out from the inside of my stomach. According to my doctor I really did need to take this stuff because of a deficiency in my blood that showed up on my last round of tests. Well, my stomach was certainly left deficient from all of its contents last night. I wont go into detail any more disturbing that that. You’re welcome.

I am left with a complete and total loss. I don’t know what to do anymore. I take all the advice my doctors have. I take my medicine like a good little boy and all it does is make me feel worse. At this point I don’t have any other choice though. I’ll keep trudging along hoping that one of these days we’ll find some combination of something that helps.

Overall, life is good though. I have a spectacularly beautiful wife who beyond all comprehension, loves and puts up with me. My kids are awesome. Little league is about to start next week and I enjoy almost nothing as much as watching all those kids scramble around a dusty diamond trying to pick up a ground ball and throwing it to second base when there is no one standing there to catch it. It’s a joyful disaster.

I keep trying to focus on the little things. Sometimes they like to hide behind the larger more obvious problems of daily life of course. But if you move the headaches to one side for a moment, or put down the checkbook that doesn’t have enough to cover all the bills in it for a few minutes you can find them. I won’t presume to tell you what your little things are. You have to find those for yourself. But they are there. Hidden away in the corners of your life just waiting to have a few moments of space laid out for them.

Sometimes screaming does the trick. And I know it’s not “macho” but crying seems to help too. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it over the past few years. It doesn’t have to be for long either. Just get out of your own way and let it all hang out. Tears, snot, slobber, the whole works. Don’t worry about the mess either. That’s what Kleenex is for. Hell, try it while you’re in the shower. Then it all washes away down the drain and you won’t have to worry about cleaning up at all.

/>

Darth Segway

I am lonely.

In some ways that’s a good thing. I don’t like to write music when other people are around, so being here by myself helps with that. Writing prose is a very solitary endeavor as well. So there you have it. I should shut up now. End of blog. Bye bye. Good day to all.

Nope. Not done yet. I’m still going.

The problem isn’t really that I have all this alone time when I am trying to get some writing done. The problem is that I am alone pretty much all the time. Yes, of course I have my wonderful family here who I love more than anything. I enjoy spending time with my kids. I love hanging out with my wife. But everyone needs some friends to goof off with too. Right? I don’t think I’m the only person who feels this way.

Because I don’t drive I am here at home all the time. In L.A. that wouldn’t have been too much of a problem. I had friends out there who would occasionally drop in to see me or take me to lunch. The bookstore was a block away from our townhouse. My folks lived a few miles away and came over every other week or so. I could even hop on a bus or call a cab to take me to a local music store or movie theater if I was feeling up to it and had a few extra bucks burning a hole in my pocket. So I wasn’t really alone.

Beautiful as it is here, it’s extremely isolated. The bus service was cut off to our area a few years before we moved here due to budget cuts. And when I called some of the local cab companies…well the conversation (real by the way) went something like this:

Me – “Hi. I need a cab to pick me up and take me in to Johnston.”

Cab Dispatcher – “Okay. Sure. What time and where are you located?”

Me – “About 11:30. I’m in Scituate.”

Cab Dispatcher – “Where?”

Me – “Scituate. S C I T U A T E.”

Cab Dispatcher – “We don’t go that far out. Sorry.”

Me – “Can you recommend any service that does come out this way?”

Cab Dispatcher – (laughter) “Nobody does man.”

So in other words, I’m hosed. Until the weekend when my family is home, this house is pretty much my entire world. All of our neighbors work during the day so there’s no one around. Even if they were home, I’m the crazy bald guy from California who plays drums and walks with a cane. Maybe that’s unfair. I can’t read their minds, but it’s how it feels to me most of the time we see them.

I’ve tried to make friends with some of the other dad’s from Little League. Most of them don’t show up at practices or even at games though. They certainly don’t come to any school events so there goes that idea. I talked to my therapist about how difficult it's been to build a community for myself since we moved out here. The response was awesome! Ready? Here’s what she said, “Oh. Well…you kind of moved to the wrong part of the country for that. People out here make friends in High School and then don’t care about anybody else. People from the West coast are much friendlier.”

Seriously?

I had a hard enough time making new friends back in L.A. The friends that I did have out there are still around of course, I just happen to be three thousand miles away now. Makes difficult logistics for checking out Record Store Day together.

Facebook has been my tether. I used to look down on Facebook and Myspace and Twitter and all the other modernist internetty modes of friendship. It’s all I’ve got now. If it weren’t for this computer screen, I wouldn’t have a friend at all other than the television.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not looking for the giant group sympathy “Awwww”. (Well maybe I am, but that’s a different blog post.) It just makes me think about my life and all the friends that I still have even through all the ups and downs of everything in the last few years. Some have stuck around since kindergarten and some since Junior High or College. There are a few great ones that came around after that through playing music or a meeting through mutual friends. Some are even sticking around through the digital world too, and to tell you the truth it’s pretty cool.

I just get a little stir crazy sometimes and want to get out into the world. I never realized how much you can’t do when you aren’t able to drive anymore. The nearest coffee shop is more than three miles away. Dunkin’ Donuts is not much closer. Since I’m trying to lose weight, that’s not really the best destination for me anyway. Walking long distances is kind of a problem these days too. I’d love to get a Segway and be a TOTAL geek riding around the country roads out here on one of those! Anybody got a spare $6K laying around they want to toss my way?

I am truly grateful for my friends and my family. But it is lonely here. I’m working really hard trying to rehabilitate my body and my mind. I keep trying to play drums and guitar too. And who knows, little league starts again at the end of this month. Maybe old Alex will finally find a friend he can pal around with. Wouldn’t that be the sweetest thing?

In the mean time, who’s up for clam chowder and a movie?

/>