well adjusted joyful disaster

everything happens to me by twodoggarage


I don’t want to be sick anymore. I don’t want to be depressed anymore. My doctor prescribed me some new medication and guess what…yup. It made me even more sick yet again. I mean what the fuck!?!? I am so tired of doctors I could just spit.

There. I did. Right here on the floor next to my desk. Yes it’s gross. But lately, so am I.

I got some feedback on my last blog post telling me how depressing it was. Telling me how sad it made people. Telling me how I should be more cheerful and “up”. Okay…waiting for some suggestions as to how to make that happen.

Still waitng...

Anyone?

I do want to feel better. I really do. I do want to have a more positive outlook on the world. I really do. I go to therapy once a week to work on things. When I leave my appointments all I get is how amazed my therapist is about how “well adjusted” I am considering all of this shit going on in my life. How ironic is that? Me. “Well adjusted”?

I sometimes wish I hadn’t spent all those years educating myself and reading every book I could absorb about philosophy and art and poetry and being “well adjusted”. Maybe the unexamined life is indeed worth living. At least then I could be upset and frustrated and pissed off without knowing why. Somehow I doubt that would really make things better though.

I started taking this new medicine a few days ago and it instantly felt like there were a thousand razor sharp daggers trying to slice their way out from the inside of my stomach. According to my doctor I really did need to take this stuff because of a deficiency in my blood that showed up on my last round of tests. Well, my stomach was certainly left deficient from all of its contents last night. I wont go into detail any more disturbing that that. You’re welcome.

I am left with a complete and total loss. I don’t know what to do anymore. I take all the advice my doctors have. I take my medicine like a good little boy and all it does is make me feel worse. At this point I don’t have any other choice though. I’ll keep trudging along hoping that one of these days we’ll find some combination of something that helps.

Overall, life is good though. I have a spectacularly beautiful wife who beyond all comprehension, loves and puts up with me. My kids are awesome. Little league is about to start next week and I enjoy almost nothing as much as watching all those kids scramble around a dusty diamond trying to pick up a ground ball and throwing it to second base when there is no one standing there to catch it. It’s a joyful disaster.

I keep trying to focus on the little things. Sometimes they like to hide behind the larger more obvious problems of daily life of course. But if you move the headaches to one side for a moment, or put down the checkbook that doesn’t have enough to cover all the bills in it for a few minutes you can find them. I won’t presume to tell you what your little things are. You have to find those for yourself. But they are there. Hidden away in the corners of your life just waiting to have a few moments of space laid out for them.

Sometimes screaming does the trick. And I know it’s not “macho” but crying seems to help too. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it over the past few years. It doesn’t have to be for long either. Just get out of your own way and let it all hang out. Tears, snot, slobber, the whole works. Don’t worry about the mess either. That’s what Kleenex is for. Hell, try it while you’re in the shower. Then it all washes away down the drain and you won’t have to worry about cleaning up at all.

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