Writing is the loneliest thing I have ever done. I can’t say that I enjoy the process of writing, but I do love having written. There are fleeting moments when I get lost in the words my fingers are typing out and I am completely the story. No Id or ego, no I or Me, just the events occurring on the page.

Back when I was playing music I would get this out of body experience sometimes. It didn’t happen very often, but I would be playing a song with the band, my eyes would slowly close and there would be nothing left of me other than the music. I could almost see my hands playing the instrument like I was watching from a different place. Then I would make the mistake of thinking about it and I would be sucked back into myself.

It was rare, but one of the most amazing feelings in the world. The best part for me was that the other players felt it too. I wasn’t alone in the experience. That seemed to make it more real. We could all feel the moments when we were in “it” together. We could also tell when “it” was over.

Writing is different. It’s just me here. By myself. Alone. I complain about how I spend so much solitary time now that the kids are back in school. I see my wife making new friends and spending time out in the world with them and I sometimes become envious.

I go out into the world when I can. I try to meet people. I try to make friends. But when I’m out there, I find myself wishing that I was back here again. Alone with the stories in my head. Trying to get back to that place where I’m not even me. Trying to get lost in-between the letters and the sentences. Trying to find the empty spaces so I can float into the story and watch it unfold from nothing into something...real.

It’s not an easy thing to do. This nothingness requires a great deal of effort. All the zen koans point out different paths to take that will lead you to the same place. Attempting to get to the “Beginner’s mind” for lack of a better name.

The great masters spent years sitting still next to a tree. Some screamed at the base of a waterfall trying to sing along with the symphonies created by the crashing on the rocks. Calligraphy, tea ceremonies, Tai Chi, Haiku were all exercises to reach peace and enlightenment. Me, I played the drums and now I write on the computer.

I honestly don’t see any difference other than the addition of technology into the mix. The world is a much different place than it was fifty years ago let alone three thousand. With everything that goes on in my world these days, I’m lucky that I still have an outlet that helps me get to the nothing. However infrequent that may be.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I began writing after it started to become too difficult for me to play the drums anymore. Some poems here, a short story there until the suggestion came for me to write a novel. In that process I found nothing. One day I was sitting at my computer, and then I just wasn’t there anymore. I was the story. The sounds in my head were gone, my fingers didn’t feel the keys clicking anymore. All that happened was the story on the screen.

I could see it. I could smell the character’s sweat. I could feel the dirt under finger nails and hear the different timbres of people's voices flowing up and down like a melody. My heart pounded when they were afraid and I even heard the kitchen chairs squeak when they got up from the table. It was the first time I’d felt that in years. The first time since music brought me there.

After that moment I knew I could get there again. It doesn’t happen every day. It doesn't even happen every week. That’s not the point. If it happened every time, it wouldn’t be so special. It’s not something that should be permanent. There has to be a balance between the real world and nothing. Nothing isn’t easy. Nothing needs to be earned.

I heard quote on the radio the other day that keeps repeating in my head. The interview was about the differences between songwriting and writing fiction. The interviewee said that in many respects they are both the same thing. Trying to make something out of nothing. This I find is true. But the quote that struck me most came when he was asked if he had any advice for younger writers. He said this,

“Young writers sit around and wait for inspiration. Older writers get to work.”

Time to get to work

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